I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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