She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
