So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
They have beer where we have blood.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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