How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
