I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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