I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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