she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
