my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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