Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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