On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
