Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
