y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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