I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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