The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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