Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
