I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
