Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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