And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
