Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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