awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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