I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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