Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
