Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
