You just made me feel so damn special
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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