I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
