please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
