They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
