running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
