Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
