Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
