I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
