I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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