I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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