Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
