She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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