He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize