She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
