Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
