he told me I talked like a deaf person
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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