I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize