So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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