I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You pole danced in your parka.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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