the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
