I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
