I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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