Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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