a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
