It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My nipple is on Facebook.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
