wanna go halves on a baby?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
