my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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