Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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