So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
