Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
