a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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