hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
love makes seman taste better
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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