She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize