today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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