wat bout pragnant strippers??
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
