seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize