A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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