I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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